Endless as the Stars Read online

  calm enough to listen. He wanted his dad and so did she.

  Tia lingered by the stairs, her hand resting over her hip as she

  reminded herself Bruce was gone. A tear managed to slip past her barrier.

  When she turned to head back into the kitchen, she found Michelle standing

  close, noticing her sadness. She’d been caught crying in front of Michelle

  and it’d be a mistake to pretend she wasn’t sad. Michelle needed to know it

  was safe and acceptable to cry and express how she felt. Tia knelt and

  smiled weakly at this young look-a-like of the best friend and partner she’d

  lost.

  Her heart nearly stopped when Michelle reached across, using her

  small fingers to wipe away her tears. Tia opened her mouth to speak but

  knew this moment needed no words. To her, this was an improvement for

  Michelle. After she made sure Tia’s eyes were dry, Michelle looked down at

  the stuffed bunny she held and handed it to Tia to keep.

  There was nothing more tender than Michelle offering up such a gift.

  Tia held back her tears long enough for Michelle to walk up the stairs and

  to her room. Once she was alone, the emotions she’d been containing

  spilled out like a soda bottle exploding after being dropped. She sat at the

  dining room table, pressing her elbows atop the table and covering her face

  with her hand. Tia wondered if it would ever get easier. The front door

  opened and Tia looked up expecting Bruce to walk through.

  Carina stepped into view, tossing her purse on the couch. Carina

  looked exhausted, kicking her shoes against the wall and taking a seat

  across from her at the dining room table. “What a—”

  Twice Tia had been caught crying. She dropped her head, wiping her

  face. She’d been paralyzed with the hope of seeing Bruce; it was a reality

  kick when he didn’t appear. There was silence between them as Tia inhaled.

  “Sorry. I was in my head.” She stood, feeling awkward about being caught.

  It wasn’t Carina’s job to comfort her or to see her like this.

  “You don’t have to be sorry.” Carina’s voice was tender and

  understanding. She shook her head. “I still have all of his stuff in my room.

  I can’t let anything of his go.”

  Tia nodded. “I should—”

  “You don’t have to leave.”

  “You’re home early.” Tia walked over to the kitchen, pulling a few

  ingredients from the fridge.

  Carina followed, leaning into the island counter top in the center of

  her kitchen. “Yeah, the second interview was shorter than I expected.” She

  watched Tia place cheese and butter on the counter. The expression on her

  face grew inquisitive. “So, uh…I don’t think that second interview went

  well. They began asking me about my personal life and how available I’d

  be and I kind of broke down and walked out.”

  “Oh.” Tia stopped what she was doing and studied Carina, checking

  for any signs she’d breakdown. Tia needed to be there for Carina and if she

  could help, she would. “How are you now?”

  “How are you? I caught you in a pretty emotional state.” Carina

  turned the conversation back on Tia and waited for an answer.

  Tia smiled. “I asked you first.”

  “It’s not every day anyone gets to see Tia Benson cry. But you’ve

  seen me cry on multiple occasions.” Carina was being sincere.

  “Yeah, well don’t get use to it,” Tia joked, wanting to loosen the

  tension. She’d never been someone who openly expressed her emotions.

  “Why?” Carina wouldn’t let this conversation slip away so easily.

  Tia had no comeback. Her reasons for not wanting to cry in front of

  Carina or anyone would seem foolish. Tia knew Carina wanted her to be

  open.

  “I told you. We need you…and you need us,” Carina said softly.

  Tia sighed and turned to grab a skillet as she heard the kids coming

  downstairs.

  “Tia, my room’s—” Rina stopped and shifted a glance to her mom. “I

  guess making mom a surprise lunch is ruined,” she chimed out.

  Carina grinned. “I was supposed to get a surprise lunch?”

  “Well you kind of ruined that plan,” Tia joked. “But how does grilled

  cheese and chips sound?”

  “I don’t think we have chips,” Carina walked to the cabinet to check.

  She opened it and froze. “Seems we do.” She turned and narrowed her eyes

  at Tia, all while pointing to her daughter. “Go upstairs.”

  Rina shook her head. “I told you she wouldn’t like it.”

  Alone, Tia looked Carina in the eyes, not intimidated by her stare

  down. Bruce had warned her on many occasions how his wife could make

  him submit with her crazy stare downs. Tia could believe it, but she

  wouldn’t falter. When Tia felt she’d done something right, no one could

  make her feel guilty for it.

  “I told you, I didn’t want to take your money.”

  “And you didn’t take it.” Tia placed the loaf of bread on the counter,

  but stopped to say what she was thinking. It was important she got her

  words out. “I get it. You don’t want my help. No one’s help. Financially, at

  least. I always knew that about you.” Bruce had told her of their financial

  struggles. Tia had offered to help, but he’d declined. She knew right away it

  wasn’t because Bruce wouldn’t accept it. It was Carina who wouldn’t. “I’m

  not asking you to pay me back. I don’t want you to.”

  Carina shook her head, eyes tearing up. She looked away feeling

  vulnerable. “I just…I get anxiety about money. I know what happens when

  I go without it, but I also know what happens when I owe someone. That

  only creates more anxiety for me.”

  “I get it. My dad and I only had each other growing up. And when

  he’d get locked up for stealing food for us, I’d have to eat anywhere I could

  get food for free. It’s a scary thing not having it. And scarier when you get

  it with strings attached.” Tia walked up to Carina, wanting nothing more

  than to be honest. “I’m telling you. There are no strings. You and those kids

  are all I have. And of course, my dad too.” She smiled. “I bought enough

  groceries to last the next month or two. I’m not great at calculating food and

  hungry kids.”

  Carina chuckled. “Bruce mentioned that.”

  They both laughed. Tia pointed upstairs. “I might’ve also bought

  things needed for the house and a few things for the kids.”

  “Tia.” Carina shook her head. “That’s too much.”

  “No, it’s not!” Tia was adamant. “I love you guys and I need to know

  you’re okay. Bruce would beat my ass if I didn’t.”

  A small smile formed and Carina sighed. “Okay. I feel like I have to

  do something though to make—”

  “You just…focus on you and those kids.” Tia opened her arms and

  Carina went in for a hug. They both sighed, Tia realizing that she’d

  accepted her offer. There was mutual respect and Tia was thankful Carina

  allowed her to be here for them.

  Chapter Four

  Tia

  Tia sat on the couch, eating a bowl of grapes. Her father walked over,

  slapping her foot off his coffee table. “Sorry,” she said, not inter
ested in

  what was on TV. Tia had a lot on her mind that she knew her father could

  see.

  “Scoot.” He waved his hand and she slid over as he took a seat. He

  was thin with salt and pepper short hair. Her father was in his late 40s but

  looked older than he was. A hard life could do that to anyone. “It’s your one

  night off. You should be out socializing.”

  It had been a week since Tia last saw Carina and the kids. She’d had

  to work every day which was her own doing. There was no room to take

  breaks. “I’m good, Dad.”

  “You’ve sacrificed so much for…” Tia gave her dad an annoyed look

  and he frowned. “Don’t give me attitude.” He scooted to the edge of the

  couch, twisting to face her properly. “Not too many people would do what

  you’re doing. I’m proud that you care so much and want to be there for his

  family.”

  “Then what are you saying?” Tia asked defensively.

  “There’s a way to do that without compromising too much of you.

  You still must live honey. Continue to connect with all your other friends.

  Make new ones. Fall in love.”

  Tia let out an audible groan, leaning further into the couch. “I knew

  that was coming.”

  “Did you now?” He grinned. “I need grandchildren.”

  Tia narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think I need a partner to do that.”

  “I know. But you won’t have a kid without one,” he said knowingly.

  Tia furrowed her brow. “I never said that.”

  “You didn’t have to. It was hard on you, not having a second parent to

  lean on. When I messed up or fell apart, you had no second options. I could

  tell that hurt you. I’d hurt you. You want to make sure that when you have a

  child they have another parent to lean on.” Her dad smiled and leaned in to

  kiss her cheek. “I also know that’s why you’re stepping up for Bruce and

  his family. Carina and her kids need you. But you still must live for you

  too.”

  Tia took in her father’s words and quietly sighed. There was no

  denying it was hard on Tia growing up with only one parent in the house.

  She didn’t like to think about the past and her mother walking out on them.

  Staying focused on the issue in front of her she finally acknowledged his

  words aloud. “I will,” Tia promised. For now, she couldn’t imagine going

  out and living her life when Carina and the kids weren’t doing the same.

  That thought gave her an idea. “Thanks Dad. You’ll be the first to know

  when I find that special one.”

  He grinned and got up. “I’m off to play dominos. Don’t wait up.”

  Tia rolled her eyes. “Sure thing.”

  *

  For the next hour, Tia flipped through the television channels

  considering her options for the rest of the night. It was still early and she

  had much time to do something. The thought of Bruce’s family stuck at

  home, not having a good time dampened her mood.

  Her phone rang, and Tia reached for it on the coffee table. When she

  answered, there was a length of silence before Rina’s voice came on the

  line.

  “Johnathan slammed his baseball bat into the wall and put a hole in it.

  Michelle is crying, and…shut up, Johnathan. Yes, I’m snitching.”

  Tia pulled the phone from her ear, hearing too much screaming on the

  other end. In search of her shoes, Tia rushed to the front door, knowing she

  didn’t need to wait for an invitation to go see the kids and Carina.

  Something was clearly wrong for Rina to be calling her. “Where’s your

  mom?” Tia asked, searching for her keys and wallet.

  Rina wasn’t paying attention, still arguing with her brother.

  “Hey, Rina! Where’s your mom?” Tia spoke authoritatively.

  “She locked herself in her room, telling us to go to bed.” Rina hissed.

  “But Johnathan got mad after and I don’t know what to do.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  They exchanged a few more words, hung up, and Tia got in her car. It

  took her less than 10 minutes, driving above the speed limit, to reach the

  house.

  Tia opened the front door, finding Rina on the couch with her little

  sister, her head lying over her lap. Tia whispered, not wanting to disturb

  Michelle’s sleep. “Stay down here.”

  Upstairs, she heard pacing coming from one of the rooms. Tia turned

  to face Johnathan standing with the baseball bat in his hand. Carefully, she

  approached, holding her hand out. She peeked into his room, finding a few

  things destroyed. His lamp lay broken on the floor. His clothes were all over

  and he’d made a hole in the wall. His room looked like it was owned by a

  junkie. At nine years old, he shouldn’t be filled with so much rage. But she

  could understand. Tia had wanted to put holes into walls too. At nine,

  expecting him to not feel anger for losing his father was foolish.

  There was anger and fear in his eyes. “Give me the bat,” Tia said

  softly. She wanted to make him feel safe, so she knelt to be at his level and

  extended her arm. Tia trusted he wouldn’t attack her with the bat, but if he

  tried, she’d be fast enough to grab it. “Come on, buddy.” Tia smiled,

  showing no anger in what he’d done.

  Johnathan looked down at the bat he was holding, and it was evident

  he was tired. Tia was sure he was tired physically and emotionally of so

  many things. He took a step, lowering the bat and looked into Tia’s eyes. “I

  didn’t want to. But I got so angry.”

  “I know, buddy. I’ve been getting angry too.” She had. At every

  paramedic she worked with. Tia gave them no chance to even want to

  consider being her permanent partner. That’s what she didn’t want. To have

  someone new and permanent take Bruce’s position. “It’s hard trying to

  smile when you want to scream.”

  He walked the rest of the way and took a breath. His eyes watered as

  he handed her the bat. Tia took it, immediately placed it behind her, and

  opened her arms. He studied her for a time and let tears fall as he planted

  himself into her arms. He cried, burying his face into the crook of her neck.

  Tia stood, carrying him downstairs. She went to the living room where Rina

  sat with Michelle who was still asleep.

  “I love you, buddy. You, Rina, and Michelle.” She sat with him in her

  arms for several minutes until he wiped his eyes and closed them sleepily.

  She let him stretch on the couch next to Michelle’s balled up body on the

  other end, his head over her lap. Tia brushed her fingers through his curly

  hair until he relaxed enough to stop trembling with deep emotions.

  Tia whispered to Rina, getting her attention. “Thank you for calling

  me.”

  “I knew you’d come.” Rina sighed.

  It warmed Tia’s heart to know that in their time of need, Rina could

  lean on her too. The night was not over. Tia pointed upstairs. “I’m going to

  go up and talk to your mom.”

  Rina nodded.

  On the way up, Tia thought of everything to say and came up with

  nothing. In the last three years of knowing Carina they’d never been close

  on an in-depth personal level until now. She knocked gingerly
on the door.

  There was no answer. She pressed her ear against the door and knocked

  again. The door opened and Tia paused unsure if she should walk in. This

  was once Bruce and Carina’s personal space.

  Carina turned and sat on her bed. She used tissue to blow her nose.

  Her eyes were red and puffy. “This is embarrassing. You didn’t have to

  come all this way.”

  Tia lingered in the doorway to Carina’s and Bruce’s room. It felt like

  an invasion if she crossed the threshold. The fear of crossing an emotional

  barrier paralyzed her to stay put.

  “You can come in.” Carina looked up.

  “I don’t think—I don’t want to invade your space.” Tia slid her hands

  in her front pocket.

  “Tia. Please. I can’t go out there just yet. I acted poorly as a mom.”

  In one step and after taking a breath, Tia entered the room. “You

  aren’t a bad mom.”

  “I freaked out and shut myself from my own kids.” She began crying,

  unable to maintain composure. “My kids are falling apart, and I failed

  them.” Carina wasn’t afraid to show her emotions as tears streamed down

  her face from all the hurt and fear she was enduring.

  “You’re not a bad mom.” Tia sat beside Carina, offering a hand.

  When she took it, Tia squeezed firmly. “You lost your husband. They lost

  their father. Grief can make us do or say anything.”

  “Yeah, I just can’t afford to screw up anymore.”

  Tia could understand that. “You’re allowed to be angry. We all are.”

  There was never a day Tia didn’t want to scream. As an EMT she saw so

  much, but Bruce’s death had taught her one thing. She exhaled, shuddering

  through the anger building in her gut. “You know what I hate the most?”

  she asked quietly.

  It was in Carina’s eyes, the concern of seeing Tia so frustrated by her

  own thoughts. “What?”

  Elbow pressed into her thigh, Tia cracked her knuckles from all the

  anxiety that started to cloud her mind. Carina reached across, linking her

  fingers into Tia’s as it calmed her enough to speak. “I thought…seeing

  people hurt or sick from things out of their control, like a stroke or near

  drowning, children falling ill...” Tia shuddered, trying not to put all of her

  emotions onto Carina. “Suicide. I’ve seen it. I’ve even felt it once or twice.