Endless as the Stars Read online

  hadn’t cried in the last month.

  After showering, Tia stared at herself through the foggy mirror from

  the steam. The sight of herself obscured, she shut her eyes, not ready to

  really face herself. She’d only breakdown. Carina gave her a dinner time,

  not leaving much room for her to say no. If she didn’t show up tonight, it

  could be the end of whatever friendship they had left. If she bailed, Tia

  knew Carina wouldn’t take her money even more so. Carina was strong like

  that.

  She found a hair band on the counter, twisting her long brown dreads

  into a bun. An inch was shaved off at the back bottom half of her head. Tia

  opened the door, cool air coming into the bathroom and breezing through

  her skin. The fog from the mirror dwindled but Tia couldn’t bring her eyes

  up to look at herself.

  Dressed, Tia looked at the time and headed out with a few minutes to

  spare. The drive filled Tia’s lungs with anxiety, but once parked out front of

  Bruce’s house, it flooded her and her hands began to shake. Could she do

  this? Walk inside his house again? Face his family?

  The porch light turned on and the front door opened. Carina stood at

  the entrance, wrapped in a sweater. Tia stared at her best friend’s wife and

  then down at her hands, trying to shake them free of tremors. This had to be

  done on her own. “Get out of the car.” She chastised herself a lot lately. The

  engine shut off when she turned the key. Her body moved before her mind

  was emotionally ready to leave.

  When she stood and turned to face the house, Carina was a few steps

  away. She studied Tia, opening her mouth to speak when they both looked

  toward the house. A loud, bitter scream came from inside. Carina shut her

  eyes as if hearing one of her children in that much emotional pain cut

  through her skin and stabbed her heart.

  She looked up to Tia’s eyes weakly and didn’t bother putting on a

  smile. “I should go inside.” She turned to walk and stopped. Carina waved

  her hand to Tia’s car. “Look, maybe I’m asking too much of you. After

  hearing that…” She pointed her thumb over her shoulder toward her house.

  “Why would you even want to step into my house? Maybe I’m being

  selfish. At this point, even I’m questioning why you’d want to be here.”

  Carina’s voice broke at the end of her last word. There was regret in saying

  it. She shut her eyes and shook her head, a tear slipping through.

  Tia looked toward the house and realized how wrong she was to stay

  away. Bruce wouldn’t want his family this way. He’d expect Tia to do right

  by him and take care of Carina and the kids. Tia stepped forward, holding

  out what she brought. “I have ice cream for the kids and a bottle of wine for

  us to soak in our misery later,” she offered.

  Carina opened her eyes and studied the offerings. A few heartbeats

  passed when she grinned and began laughing, realizing what she’d done.

  Carina couldn’t remember the last time she laughed. “I guess you came

  prepared.” She nodded toward the house, and Tia followed inside.

  *

  The reunion with the kids had been tough, the light in their eyes gone

  since losing their father. Especially the youngest Michelle. She was only

  seven and was once the most talkative of them all. Her smile brightened the

  world. Now, she said nothing, her head always down.

  Tia watched as Michelle nibbled on her dinner. When ice cream was

  offered, she shook her head, keeping her eyes hidden from everyone.

  “You think ice cream is going to make up for you ditching us like you

  ditched our dad?” Rina sneered. She crossed her arms over her chest and

  huffed, leaning back against her seat.

  Her words cut sharp to Tia’s heart as she looked across the table. She

  was Bruce’s eldest. Tia always knew Rina had a sharp tongue, but she never

  pictured it being used on her.

  “Rina. You need to watch yourself—”

  Tia held up her hand. “It’s okay,” she assured Carina. It was important

  Rina got her anger out. Tia could handle it. At least pretend to. “I did

  abandon you guys. And I make no stupid excuses for it.”

  “Then admit it: you abandoned our dad too,” Rina retorted. Her eyes

  were near ready to burst with tears. “You were supposed to be at work. To

  be his partner. He said you always had his back and you didn’t.” Her voice

  cracked and she stopped talking, turning her body in the chair away from

  Tia.

  Johnathan’s eyes hardened. “I don’t want to talk about this!” he

  screamed out swiftly. His nose flared up as he breathed heavily, his chest

  caving in and out.

  Tia brushed her fingers over her chin and gradually covered her

  mouth. She wanted to hide the stiff movement she made that would give

  away too much of her emotions. Michelle began to cry.

  “I wish—every day—I was there.” Tia wanted to be clear on her

  thoughts and intentions. She’d failed them the last four months. Carina

  didn’t interrupt, and Tia took that as a sign that she could speak freely.

  “Your father—I loved him. The only brother I’ll ever have.” Growing up as

  an only child, Tia felt like she hit the jackpot meeting Bruce and his family.

  He opened her world to possibilities and new emotional connections. “I

  wasn’t there and that will be something I have to live with. But I know he

  wouldn’t want me blaming myself. He wouldn’t want any of us blaming

  each other. None of us did anything wrong.” That’s what Tia kept trying to

  tell herself, wondering when she’d one day start to believe it.

  “You disappeared,” Johnathan said, arms crossed over his small chest.

  “That wasn’t cool.”

  “No, it wasn’t. And I’m sorry.” Tia looked to each of the kids and

  over at Carina, expressing regret. Her look was somber and vulnerable.

  “I’m going to be here now. And no matter how angry you are at me…I’m

  not going anywhere, again.”

  Time slipped away and the kids finished their dinner, Tia carrying

  Michelle’s sleepy body to bed. She tucked her in, giving her a kiss over her

  forehead. Michelle said nothing, turning her back to Tia and bundling into

  her blanket.

  Tia sighed and promised herself never to leave them again. For a

  moment she lingered next to Michelle, running her fingers lightly through

  her hair.

  Once the kids were in bed, Carina and Tia talked for a bit without

  saying much of anything. Tia eventually stood to leave and promised she’d

  be back. It was hard being here but Tia needed it. Once Carina was

  satisfied, Tia left hoping next time would be easier.

  Chapter Three

  Tia

  It’d been a few weeks since Tia reintegrated back into their lives,

  picking the kids up from school any chance she got. The moment Tia

  stopped the car, the kids hopped out, Johnathan leaving the backseat door

  open. Tia climbed out of the car, calling his name. He turned, noticing the

  open door and ran back, shutting it.

  “Sorry, Tia.” He let his backpack dangle over his shoulder as he ran

  back to his house.

 
She chuckled, knowing he’d toss his backpack on the floor the

  moment he stepped inside. He’d been squirming for the last several minutes

  to go to the bathroom. She watched him fly past his mom as she stepped

  outside her home. Rina and Michelle walked past Carina, both with their

  heads down.

  Tia let her arm hang over the car door, watching Carina approach. “So

  you know, I did give Johnathan a pre talking to. I figured you wouldn’t

  mind me giving him my thoughts.” Johnathan got in trouble at school for

  arguing with a classmate and then turning his anger onto his teacher.

  “Of course. I appreciate it. It’s good having someone else confirm to

  him what he did was wrong.” Carina smiled and stared off to nowhere in

  particular.

  Tia watched a tear slip from Carina’s eyes and her smile faltered. A

  day could never go by without them thinking of Bruce. He was such a huge

  part of all their lives.

  Carina sniffed, wiping her face. “Sorry.”

  “You don’t have to—”

  Carina waved her hand. “I know.” She put on a brave face. “The last

  few weeks have been easier since you’ve come back. Thanks again.”

  Tia nodded and got back into her car incapable of saying more. Tia

  was thankful that Carina was giving her a second chance to make up for lost

  time. There was still a long road ahead for them, but Tia was glad she could

  learn to get through the days with Bruce’s family at her side.

  *

  “You good with stopping at Starbucks?” Chuck was her third partner

  of the week.

  One thing Bruce and her did right at the start of shift was go to

  Starbucks, betting on the way there if they’d get a call before their coffee. It

  was a gamble they both enjoyed making together. Tia hadn’t been able to

  drink coffee at work since.

  “No!” she said sharply. She knew she was being abrasive but that

  didn’t stop her. She didn’t want to create habits with new or temporary

  partners. Habits formed unexpected connections, and Tia had no desire to

  get attached again. Losing Bruce was more than she could ever handle.

  “Look, Tia. I get that you’re not happy about what happened to your

  —”

  “Get the fuck out of my rig,” Tia shouted, pressing her chest against

  the steering wheel and pointing toward his passenger side door. They hadn’t

  left the station. Tia’s fingers tightened around the steering wheel, tempted to

  punch him in the face. Just the mere mention of Bruce set her off if he was

  brought up in the context of her moving on.

  “My bad. I didn’t mean to go there. It’s just—”

  She was about to tell him to leave again when a call popped up. A 42

  year-old female complaining of chest pain. In response, Tia picked up the

  mic, driving in route. Despite how she felt about Chuck, her potential

  patient took precedence.

  It took her five minutes to arrive, the fire engine pulling up at the

  same time. Tia put on gloves, heading to the back of the rig to load the

  gurney with the airbag and cardiac monitor. Her partner grabbed the rest of

  the equipment as they headed inside the house. Their patient was lying in

  bed, her husband standing off to the side.

  “How long have you been feeling this way?” One of the fire

  paramedic’s asked.

  The woman groaned, her skin flushed. “I noticed my heart racing.

  And then I couldn’t take a normal breath.”

  Tia walked to the side of the bed, turning on the monitor and

  attaching her to the 12 lead ECG. She pressed a button for rhythm and

  handed one of the paramedics a blood pressure cuff. Her saturation read 90

  percent room air. Tia scooted the cardiac monitor to the center of the bed,

  placing one knee on the bed to get closer to the patient. “I’m going to put

  you on about four liters of oxygen.” Tia worked to put the cannula around

  her nose and ears.

  “I’m going to start an I.V., okay?” Chuck alerted the patient.

  “Have you taken anything for the chest pain?” Tia asked.

  “I—” The woman thought about the question, her husband answering

  no for her.

  Chuck spoke before Tia had the chance to ask another question. “Your

  heart’s beating pretty fast. Have you experienced this before?” His question

  drew the woman to look down at what he was doing.

  Their patient winced when Chuck poked her with the needle.

  “Try to keep this arm still for me,” Chuck told her, focused on pulling

  her skin back from her inner arm to get a better look at her vein.

  “I’m going to give you some aspirin. Let’s see how you feel after,

  okay?” Tia gave it to her, hoping it would help.

  Two of the fire crew got the gurney prepped for transporting the

  patient over.

  The patient’s heart rate seemed to linger close to 200 beats per

  minute. There was no slowing down her heart rate without aggressive

  medication. It was concerning, and they needed to slow the rhythm.

  “It’s worrisome how fast your heart’s going,” the fire paramedic said.

  He shifted, allowing for both the patient and her husband to hear him

  clearly. “We need to give you something to slow your heart.”

  Chuck called out what he’d give her to slow her heart. “This

  medication is called amiodarone. You’ll feel a little funny, but it’ll slow

  your heart.”

  “I’m going to put on these electrode pads. We’ll need to do what is

  called a cardioversion.” Tia explained what that meant. “This combined

  with the medication increases the chance of the cardioversion’s success.”

  Tia loved her job, and being here right now to help this woman was

  one of the few things she could do to escape her thoughts. Several minutes

  rolled by before their patient was on the gurney and in the back of the rig

  with a successful cardioversion. That ended on a good note.

  *

  Tia held out a check, waiting for Carina to take it. “Please don’t say

  no. I combined all the other money you never cashed out into this check.

  Take it.” Her brow furrowed, needing Carina to accept it. It was one of the

  few most important things that made her feel useful.

  “What about you?” Carina asked, pointing to the check. “You

  certainly didn’t make as much as Bruce.” Her tone drifted to grief, but

  Carina wouldn’t cry today. Crying turned into depression and her kids

  needed her to wake up. To be strong. “This is too much.”

  “I gave up my apartment and am staying with my dad. At least until I

  find a roommate.”

  Carina shook her head. “See, no, Tia!” She turned from the money

  offered, opening the fridge.

  From what Tia could see, there weren’t many options when she

  investigated the fridge. She wanted to argue until Carina took the money

  but quit for now. “Go!” Tia shut the fridge door on Carina and pointed at

  her watch. “You can’t be late for your interview.”

  “When they wake up, tell the kids to clean their rooms. And to—”

  “I’ve got this.” Tia pointed to the door until Carina left.

  It was Saturday morning and the kids would be up at any moment.
r />   Staring at the fridge, Tia contemplated how she’d utilize her time. Carina

  had two interviews back to back. Rubbing her palms together, Tia came up

  with an idea. She ran upstairs, skipping a few steps. She knocked and then

  opened Rina’s door first, finding her asleep on the bed. “Rina!” she shouted.

  Rina’s head stuck out from underneath the covers, twisting her head to face

  Tia standing at the door way. “Get up and help me get your brother and

  sister dressed. We’re going out.”

  *

  “Mom isn’t going to like this,” Rina pointed out for the third time.

  They’d just arrived back to the house, Carina texting that she’d be

  home in an hour. There were still a few things left to do and Tia wasn’t

  going to back out of her plans now. “You’re saying she won’t like that you

  all cleaned up the house and had lunch ready for her when she gets home?”

  Tia knew what Rina was referring to and would deal with Carina’s

  disapproval when the time came.

  “Go clean your rooms.” Tia began putting the food away. She tossed a

  bottle of water to Johnathan and he caught it. “That’s for you when you

  eventually try to make an excuse to come down those stairs. Clean your

  room.”

  Johnathan frowned, an attitude ready to make its appearance. He’d

  already had a tantrum when they went shopping. His temper was noticeable

  every time she saw him. “I don’t see why it’s a big deal to clean my room.”

  “Just do it, stupid!” Rina shouted.

  “Hey!” Tia walked up to Johnathan who was about to rush up the

  stairs where Rina stood. She blocked him from going up. “First, we don’t

  call anyone stupid!” Tia scolded. She stared up at Rina who sought no

  interest in apologizing and walked to her room. Tia shook her head and

  looked to Johnathan next. “If you really need me to answer your question, I

  will. Otherwise, you can go to your room and clean it.”

  Johnathan grumbled under his breath and stomped his way past Tia

  and up the stairs. She’d heard what he said, reminding her Bruce was no

  longer here. Tia let him head up without saying anymore about his attitude.

  She said what was needed and would wait till the right time when he was