Endless as the Stars Read online

  But…” Tia looked into Carina’s eyes, letting out what infuriated her most.

  She knew her words could come across as harsh but she was only speaking

  her truths. No one could understand unless they were the innocent

  bystanders who suffered after someone killed themselves or others.

  Tia spoke as calmly as she could muster. “Enduring the outcome of it,

  I’ve realized that the person responsible for Bruce leaving us was far more

  selfish than a cold blooded killer. I know that sounds crazy to say but his

  suicidal actions affected ours, Bruce’s, and his own life. It’s the most selfish

  thing to do to another person. You don’t care or think about who you’ll

  affect. And if you do, that’s worse.” Tears streamed down their faces as she

  continued. “That guy decided he’d take someone with him. And those who

  witnessed it. His mom. Bruce’s partner that night. The loss you and your

  kids have endured.” Tia’s voice broke, shaking her head from the misery

  and the anger she felt in losing Bruce. She breathed heavily through her

  nose and Carina handed her some tissue.

  “I miss him every day.” Carina lowered her head, stuck in her

  thoughts. “Is it wrong that I want to smile again? That I want to take the

  kids out for ice cream and laugh about their week in school. Hear Johnathan

  tell goofy made up stories and hear Michelle ask me a bunch of questions

  about things I have no clue about. Or Rina try to convince me that she’s old

  enough to get a nose piercing or go to a party.”

  Tia considered. “No. It isn’t wrong of you to want any of that. I

  know…Bruce would want his family to start living again.”

  “How do I do that?”

  Tia shrugged. “Take it one day at a time.”

  Without warning, Carina rested her head over Tia’s shoulder. “One

  day at a time,” Carina repeated. She grunted. “Okay.”

  Chapter Five

  Tia

  “I’ve applied a tourniquet. It’s barely working.” Blood spurted out

  from the artery in their patient’s thigh. Tia had no time to react to the blood

  that now resided over her clothes and neck. She pressed down harder

  against the thick gash over his inner thigh. The kid had gone skateboarding,

  leaping up on a rail. He slid a few feet atop the rail on his skateboard when

  he lost balance and cut himself open against a jagged edge he hadn’t seen.

  An accident so preventable that he would die for it if they didn’t gain

  control over his artery soon. The femoral artery was large. Many patients

  bled out before they had a chance to reach a hospital.

  Their patient shivered, his skin pale from the lack of blood. His body

  was going into shock. Tia crouched over him, a puddle of blood underneath.

  “I’m not leaving you,” Tia promised.

  He looked no more than 20. Tears came out, begging for her to keep

  him alive. Tia squeezed his hand as hard as she could, squeezing his thigh

  with the same strength. “You feel that?” she whispered to her patient.

  His eyes grew heavy, but he opened them wide and nodded.

  “Pain means you’re alive. Keep your eyes open.”

  “Let’s move him on a count of three,” her new partner for tonight

  said. Two fire crews went to different positions to help lift the kid. Tia kept

  her hand firmly against his thigh.

  “I’ll drive, Tia,” one of the fire crew said. “Whatever you’re doing,

  it’s slowing the bleeding. We don’t want to jeopardize the bleed control by

  removing your hand until we get to the emergency room.”

  Tia nodded as they entered the rig and she took a seat beside her

  patient. “You hear that? I’ll be right here the entire time,” she whispered for

  his ears only.

  “Watch your head. I’m going to hang a saline bag over you,” the fire

  paramedic alerted.

  It took them four minutes to reach the emergency room. A trauma

  surgeon was right on site to clamp the artery once they arrived through the

  doors.

  The patient was out of their care, but Tia lingered for a bit to see what

  they’d do next for the young man. He was scared. She could see it in his

  eyes and hoped he’d live. Some nights, Tia didn’t want to know if her

  patients survived. It was better not knowing. Other nights, she had to know.

  Back when she had Bruce, they would decide together if they could equally

  handle knowing or not. Being partners for so long, they’d spoken their own

  language and understood what the other was feeling without words.

  Tia wasn’t interested in finding that with anyone else. Not that it

  would be easy either. An amazing partner was hard to come by. For tonight,

  she’d deal with working with a new temporary partner.

  *

  “How was your shift?” Tia’s supervisor asked, coming up after she

  parked the ambulance into its designated spot.

  “One night at a time.” She had no more to say, knowing she couldn’t

  lie but preferring not to share her sadness in the absence of Bruce.

  The supervisor pointed as an SUV pulled up. “Isn’t that Bruce’s

  family?”

  It was hard, hearing someone who didn’t have a personal connection

  to Bruce say his name. Tia winced as if her supervisor had to remind her of

  his death. She had to look away so that her supervisor couldn’t see her

  anguish. “Yeah. They’re taking me out for pancakes.”

  “Oh.” Tia watched as her supervisor tried to process that but then

  smiled. “Sounds fun.”

  “Yep. See you.” Tia walked to the car, climbing into the front

  passenger seat.

  Carina wore a big smile. “How was work?”

  Tia twisted to find all three of Bruce’s kids lying sleepily in the back

  seat. It was the early morning, not yet 6:30. She smiled, happy to see them.

  It’d been nearly a month since Tia rushed to Carina’s home and this would

  be their first outing together since. Tia was looking forward to it. “Rough.

  But a kid lived at the end of the night, and that’s something to treasure.”

  “Good.” Carina pulled off, asking more questions about Tia’s shift

  until they arrived. “Hey, you three. Wake up.”

  Rina whined first. “But we’re sleepy. It’s Saturday. I thought we

  could sleep in.”

  “Don’t you want some pancakes and bacon?” Tia asked, turning to

  face the back.

  “I do!” Johnathan opened his eyes and wiped his mouth from the

  slobber he’d created in his sleep.

  Tia grinned. “Good to hear,” she said. She looked to the center of the

  back seat. Michelle was still asleep. “I’ll get her,” she told Carina, exiting

  the car. The back seat had wider space, giving Tia room to climb in and

  carry Michelle without any trouble. Tia rocked her once and patted her

  back. “Hey hun, time to wake up.” She bent to let Michelle stand and

  waited for her small sleepy eyes to open. “You want some banana

  pancakes? I know they’re your favorite.”

  Michelle looked to her mom and then Tia and nodded.

  “Good.”

  When they were seated inside the restaurant, their waitress came up

  and took their order. It amazed Tia how much she’d missed going out to eat
.

  It had been so long. The last time was probably with Bruce.

  Carina sat across from Tia in between Rina and Johnathan in a family

  sized booth. Michelle sat beside Tia, playing with one of Tia’s dreadlocks

  that fell from her hair band.

  “You sure you aren’t tired?” Carina asked.

  Tia smiled. “Not yet. But I will be after this meal.”

  Their food came in between light conversations exchanged between

  Tia and Carina, the kids forever silent. Tia sliced Michelle’s pancakes and

  then began smearing butter and syrup over her own pancakes. She folded

  one in half and picked it up to take a bite. Eyes closed, she let the taste of

  deliciousness melt in her mouth. Ready for another bite, Tia felt small

  hands tap her shoulder. Tia looked down, finding Michelle’s eyes

  scrutinizing her. “What? It’s a taco.”

  Michelle smiled. A tear came to Tia’s eyes instantly. It had been so

  long since she witnessed Michelle smile. Tia looked up to Carina, finding

  that she’d caught it too. They’d all missed seeing that smile, life being a

  little dark without it. Tia took another bite, moaning as if it was the best

  pancake in the world. She nodded, pleased from the taste and looked down

  at Michelle grinning. “The best taco ever.”

  It was a blessing to see Michelle giggle as she tried to cover her

  mouth from spitting out her pancake. She put her fork down and tapped

  Tia’s shoulder, waving for her to come closer. Tia did, and Michelle

  whispered in her ear. “It’s not a taco. It’s a pancake.”

  The excitement Tia got from hearing Michelle’s voice after months of

  silence or only her cries was overwhelming. Tia put her pancake down and

  stared at Michelle with such awe. She was so precious and sweet. Tia

  tapped Michelle’s shoulder and leaned down to whisper in her small ear.

  “Sorry young lady, but it’s a taco.”

  Michelle smiled and shook her head in disapproval, taking her fork to

  continue eating her food.

  Tia looked across the table when a hand pressed over hers. She found

  Carina staring at her, a few tears on her face as she mouthed, ‘thank you. ’ A

  long moment of comfortable silence passed between them. When Carina

  removed her hand, Tia felt a sudden absence from her touch. She smiled

  and mouthed, ‘you’re welcome’ and went back to eating her folded pancake.

  Chapter Six

  Carina

  “¿Cómo estas?” Carina’s sister Sandra sat down on the bench beside

  her as their kids played together in the park.

  Carina was the youngest of her two sisters, Sandra being the middle

  child and also the nosiest.

  “Bien.” Carina was fortunate to have such a strong support system.

  After losing Bruce, her family stepped up. It took so long for them to get

  out of the house and want to smile again. She felt her sister staring at her, as

  if not trusting her words. Carina smiled and patted her older sister’s leg.

  “Estoy bien. Honesto.” She was fine and needed her sister to believe that. If

  she did, so would their parents. Maybe they’d stop calling every day

  wondering when her next breakdown would be.

  It was early July and officially seven months since Bruce’s passing.

  There were times it felt like only several days had passed before Carina fell

  apart again. But she managed better now. She wouldn’t fall apart until her

  kids were taken care of. That usually left her crying when she tried to sleep

  in their bed. Or in the shower. She’d gotten her kids into therapy and that

  had been working too. Not to mention, Tia being there for them in the last

  three months. Carina had a lot to be thankful for. There were some families

  that had no one after losing a loved one.

  “How’s work?” Sandra asked. She was being quite snoopy.

  Carina smiled and rolled her eyes, knowing her sister would report

  everything back to their parents. She was the youngest in her family and

  would always be treated as such. “I work part time at the nursing home.”

  Carina had gotten her CNA license several years back, keeping it renewed

  in case she ever wanted to practice again. But she liked being a stay at

  home mom and Bruce didn’t mind working to provide financially. He

  would always say she has the harder job. “It’s nice.” Carina shrugged,

  voicing her thoughts. “I’ve been thinking about going to nursing school. I

  can’t right now, but I think I want to.”

  “That’s good.” Sandra waved to her daughter, who waved back and

  continued playing. “The kids tell me Bruce’s partner comes over a lot.”

  “Her name’s Tia. You’ve met her like several dozen times.” Carina

  rolled her eyes. Carina’s family would say they weren’t homophobic as long

  as it didn’t affect their personal lives, but Carina considered them

  homophobic. “And yes, she comes over often. She’s been such a blessing in

  our lives.”

  “I’m sure,” was all Sandra said.

  Carina sighed, waving her hand out. “Just say it already.”

  Her sister stalled for a bit, but finally gave into her impulse to judge.

  “Shouldn’t you try and focus on the present? I only mean, Tia is kind of the

  past. A reminder. You’ll never be able to explore new options with her

  around so much.”

  Carina winced at her sister’s statement, finding every word wrong and

  inappropriate. Her heart raced in her chest as she attempted not to shout at

  her sister in a park surrounded by kids. “I lost my husband seven months

  ago, Sandra! I’m not interested in finding another man.” Carina tried not to

  sound bitter, but it was unavoidable. She stared her sister down like a

  fighter did before a match. “And Tia is not my past. She was family before

  Bruce died. Is family now. With or without Bruce. And neither my children

  nor I blame her for staying alive.” She stood, ready to take her children

  home.

  Her sister reached out, grabbing her forearm before she sprinted to the

  playground. “I’m sorry, sis. I didn’t mean to belittle your connection to her

  or imply anything. I just want what’s best for you.”

  Carina gave a sharp nod. “I appreciate you and Miguel for all you’ve

  done since Bruce…” Carina was too sensitive now to even finish her words.

  She knew her sister and brother-in-law had the best intensions, but she

  needed to make it clear that she could be a single parent. Maybe she had

  been leaning on Tia too much, but she’d never try and end their friendship.

  “For the first time, since losing Bruce, my family feels awake again. And

  yes, part of that is because of Tia. She’s not going anywhere. So I need you

  and our parents to accept that. And get over your prejudiced views.”

  Sandra frowned as if shocked by Carina’s comment. “Come on! I

  never said anything about her being gay.”

  “You didn’t have to.” Carina called out to her kids. “I’ll talk to you

  later.”

  *

  “Can Tia come over?” Johnathan asked. “She’s supposed to help me

  beat the next level on my game.”

  After the conversation with her sister at the park, Sandra’s words got

  to Ca
rina and she hated it. She didn’t want to feel like she depended so

  much on Tia, but part of her did. Perhaps, that was her fault. “Honey, she

  might have plans or be at work.”

  “She’s not at work, Mom. She told us she stopped working

  Wednesday’s,” Rina explained.

  It was summer vacation and they had a lot of time to spare. Most of

  that time, they wanted to share with Tia. They’d even FaceTime her when

  she was at work.

  “Hey guys, we should give Tia a break.” Carina didn’t want to

  smother Tia more than they already had.

  “Mom, it won’t hurt to ask,” Rina said. It seemed she wanted Tia over

  too.

  By the look of hope in Michelle’s eyes, she felt the same.

  Carina sighed. “Fine. Call and see. But don’t press her if she says she

  can’t.”

  “Yes!” Johnathan cheered and reached for the house phone, calling

  Tia.

  Carina folded laundry on the couch, listening to her son talk to Tia.

  Based on the excited shout he made, she’d said yes. Carina smiled and

  continued to fold, directing her kids to take their clothes to their rooms.

  Carina had to admit; she was excited to see Tia too.

  It took Tia 30 minutes to get there, and when she did she held a

  container of ice cream in one hand and bottle of wine in the other. Usually

  when Tia brought that combo, she wanted to talk later. It was probably a

  great idea.

  They said hi before her kids dragged Tia off. Carina smiled, happy to

  know they had Tia in their lives.

  After dinner and ice cream was served, the kids said their goodnights

  and headed upstairs. Tia worked on opening the bottle of wine while Carina

  grabbed two glasses. The red liquid poured into the glasses as Carina took

  one and swirled it. After a moment, she breathed in its sweet aroma and

  took a small sip. Tia loved wine. That was something Carina never knew

  about her in all the years she’d known her. Bruce always had a beer in hand

  —a regular drinker—so when Tia came over, that’s what she’d drink.

  “I wanted to ask for your permission.” Tia pulled out an envelope,

  slipping out two tickets. “Uh, before, you know. Rina would try and