Endless as the Stars Read online

  to the gym but didn’t have her workout clothes. She sat in her car for some

  time until making a choice.

  The rain came down hard as she pulled up to Carina’s house. She

  texted her to see if she was home. Carina texted back and told her she was

  outside.

  She climbed out of the car and rushed to the porch, hoping Carina

  would come down and open it. There had been distance between them, but

  she knew Carina cared about her.

  The porch light turned on and the door opened. Tia spoke before

  Carina had the chance to. “I get that I’m probably a reminder of Bruce and

  you can’t be around me as much anymore. But you said I needed you too.

  And I do.” Tears fell from her eyes as she felt every part of grief slam into

  her chest and twist her stomach into tight knots.

  Carina pulled her inside and into a hug. Tia stood a few inches taller,

  bending her head down to rest over Carina’s shoulder.

  She cried for some time, glued to Carina until exhaustion swept over

  her. Carina guided her into the living room. The fireplace was on. There

  was a book and a blanket on the couch.

  Tia noticed a filled cup and light music playing. “I’m sorry. I didn’t

  mean to interrupt your night. I can go.”

  “Nonsense.” Carina pointed to the couch. “Sit. I’ll get you some hot

  chocolate.”

  Tia nodded and went to the couch, removing her shoes and coat. Her

  hair was wet from the rain and she let it out of the bun, her dreads free

  around her shoulders and back.

  A few minutes of listening to orchestra music in the background

  brought her some peace. She watched Carina walk around the couch,

  handing her a mug of hot chocolate. “Who’s playing?” Tia asked.

  Carina blushed, as if being caught playing something inappropriate.

  “It’s the Lord of the Rings soundtrack.”

  A smile lifted a bit of the sadness from her bruised heart. She adored

  the uniqueness in Carina. It was evident Carina was taking the night for

  herself. “I didn’t mean—” Tia paused and gave up on lying. “I had a long

  shift. And then after what I just experienced in the last hour, I needed you to

  tell me it was all okay.”

  Afraid to watch for a reaction, Tia let the warmth of the hot chocolate

  sooth her. The music did have that fantasy world vibe as she continued to

  listen to it. It was something new she learned about Carina that made her

  smile.

  Ready to face Carina’s honesty, Tia searched her eyes as she spoke.

  “Did I do something wrong?”

  Carina’s eyes widened. She sighed and smiled weakly. “No.” She

  couldn’t maintain eye contact.

  “But something happened,” Tia pushed. “Every time I come to see the

  kids or take them for ice cream, you’re always busy. I don’t just come for

  them, you know. You mean a lot to me too.”

  “I know,” Carina said, feeling defeated. It looked like she had a lot on

  her mind. “I should’ve been honest with you.” Carina used the remote to

  turn down the music. She shifted on the couch to give Tia her full attention.

  “You’ve been more than I expected. Like a second parent to my kids. And

  that’s been great…”

  “But not what you need,” Tia finished.

  Carina nodded. “No one could ever replace Bruce. And I know that’s

  not what you were trying to do. But in a way, maybe I was. I needed to take

  a step back and evaluate things.”

  “And basically cutting me out is the way to do it?” Tia asked. She

  was hurt, and now wondering if it was really a good idea to come here. “I’m

  so stupid.” Tia put the mug on the end table, about to stand.

  Carina slid over quickly, putting her hand on Tia’s thigh. “First. So

  not cool. You’re not stupid. You can’t use a word you dislike on yourself.”

  She kept her hand on Tia’s thigh. It took Tia a second to focus. “Second.

  I’m the one who was foolish. I’ve been very jealous of my kids the last

  couple months. Wishing I was with you. With you all,” she quickly added.

  She stumbled over her words, suddenly looking nervous.

  She removed her hand from Tia’s thigh and an absence was felt,

  coldness sweeping over Tia’s flesh. She didn’t want to go there in her mind,

  and she wouldn’t.

  “I’ve been such a coward, wanting to call you,” Carina said.

  “Seems I beat you to it,” Tia joked.

  “Seems so.”

  They both smiled and relaxed for the first time tonight. After the hard

  part of the conversation was over, they began to discuss what they’d been

  up to, conversation moving into a much more intimate discussion.

  “So, your friend set you up on a blind double date. But you decided to

  come here and ditch them.” Carina snorted. “She must’ve been really bad

  for you to ditch her for me.”

  “Actually, she wasn’t,” Tia admitted. She took her time, wondering if

  she should tell her why she left and decided on the truth. When she finished

  telling Carina, she saw sadness pass through her eyes. “Yeah. So, you can

  see why I ran out. I feel so rude.”

  “She’ll understand,” Carina said, sounding strong.

  Tia half expected her to break down from what she’d shared.

  “I finally cleared out most of Bruce’s things from my room a month

  ago. Gave a few things to the kids, and the rest I donated.”

  “Really?” Tia smiled, proud of Carina for facing that hardship and

  surviving it.

  “I wish I was as strong as you. I’ve treated every paramedic I’ve

  worked with like the plague. I just get so angry, not seeing him sit beside

  me.” Tia pursed her lips, thinking about her new partner. “This new guy

  went through a hard experience too. That’s putting it mildly. But he lost his

  partner. I want to give him a chance. But then, I’m afraid Bruce will

  disappear from everyone’s memories back at the station. Disappear from

  mine.”

  “He’ll never disappear,” Carina promised. She smiled. “You should

  try and go out with that woman. And give that partner a chance. Try a lot of

  things.”

  Tia shook her head. “No. She seemed sweet. But not someone I want.

  And I’ll consider the new partner.”

  “What kind of woman would you want?”

  That question seemed to make Tia blush. She lowered her head,

  covering her face with her hand.

  Carina laughed. “Are you going shy on me?”

  Tia rolled her eyes. “I’m not shy. I just—I feel like I’ve seen it all. I

  know what I need and when I find that woman, I only hope she loves me

  back.”

  Silence fell between them. Tia could feel Carina’s gaze, and she took

  a chance, looking up. Their eyes locked. Tia’s heart beat fast in her chest,

  swept away by the dark brown of Carina’s irises. Neither seemed bothered

  by the silence.

  Carina’s phone rang and she jumped. “Saved by the bell,” she

  mumbled, taking a breath. Carina looked away and reached for her phone,

  answering it.

  Tia turned away, pulling out her phone to text her friend she was

  okay. She’d have to make it up to her for runni
ng out like that. For now, she

  was thankful for whoever called Carina this late. They’d been talking for

  over an hour. That moment of silence pulled out a lot of tension that clearly

  Carina felt too.

  Carina hung up. “The kids are over at my sister’s. They’ll be back

  tomorrow.” Her skin appeared flushed, and she couldn’t seem to maintain

  eye contact for too long.

  They were alone. Tia felt nervous about that too. “It’s late. I don’t

  want to keep you up.”

  “Right,” Carina said. She frowned and shook her head. “No, wait!

  We’re friends. And I don’t want to kick you out. Especially the way it’s

  raining right now. I’m not tired.”

  “Are you sure?” Tia asked.

  “Yes.”

  Tia excused herself, needing to use the restroom. When she finished,

  she turned on the faucet, running cold water over her hands. What was

  going on with her? Maybe she just missed Carina too much. Tia preached

  repeatedly that what she was feeling wasn’t real. Tia studied herself in the

  mirror. She’d always struggled with her weight, being a few pounds over

  since Bruce’s passing. Tia was still in shape and that’s what mattered. She

  needed to stop being so hard on herself. “Stop analyzing yourself. There’s

  no one you need to impress. She is your best friend’s wife.” Was. Bruce was

  gone, but that left no excuses. Tia splashed cold water over her face and

  dripped more down her shirt. She needed to get a grip.

  Back in the living room, Carina held a bottle of wine in her hand,

  holding it up to show what kind of night to expect.

  Tia smiled, knowing this would be a long night, not forgotten.

  Chapter Nine

  Carina

  The weight of someone’s body kept Carina planted as she opened her

  eyes. The front door slammed shut, a multitude of footsteps coming her

  way. Carina looked over at the floor where an empty bottle of wine lay. She

  reached out, realizing her fingers were tangled in something. Someone’s

  breath tickled her exposed belly and she shuddered from not feeling

  someone that close to her in months.

  “Mom!” Rina’s eyes widened and then she shouted in bliss. “Tia!

  You’re here.”

  By the sound of her name, Tia’s head shot up but quickly jerked back

  down.

  Carina realized her fingers were tangled in Tia’s hair.

  The rest of her kids entered the living room, unsure of what to make

  of the situation.

  “Hey, Carina!” Sandra stopped, her mouth agape as if she’d walked in

  on Carina in a compromising position. “Um, kids, go put your stuff away,”

  Sandra ordered.

  Tia slid off Carina, wiping the sleep from her eyes.

  “Tia. Could you give my sister and me a moment?” Sandra asked.

  There was no way she’d let her sister come and dictate anyone in her

  house. “No! Tia is fine right here.”

  “You really want to have this conversation in front of her?” Sandra

  asked.

  “I prefer not at all,” Carina admitted.

  “Perhaps I should go home,” Tia butted in.

  “No!” Carina said.

  “Sounds like a good idea,” Sandra argued.

  Tia stood, not wanting to get in between a family argument. She only

  grew up with her dad, but she had a suspicion that when it came to two

  sisters it was best to step back.

  “Please don’t go,” Carina said.

  How could Tia say no to that? She sighed. “I’ll wait upstairs.”

  Carina nodded. She watched Tia leave until she could no longer see

  her and then faced her sister.

  “I thought you distanced yourself from her?” Her sister asked with a

  hot temper ready to spill out.

  “I did. But last night—no! I’m not going to explain myself to you.

  Tia’s my friend.”

  “Friend!” Sandra snorted, bemused. “Is what we just walked in on? A

  friendly thing?”

  “Nothing happened, Sandra. We were drinking and talking and then

  passed out.” Carina shrugged. “I don’t see the harm.”

  “Your kids are who you’re harming!” Sandra shouted. She blew out a

  breath and shook her head. “Maybe nothing happened. But to them, it

  seemed that way, at least for Rina. How do you think your kids would

  handle knowing their mom is hooking up with their dad’s old best friend

  who’s a woman? Sorry sis, but that’s a jump.”

  Carina’s eyes hardened. She could deal with a lot of things, but being

  questioned as a mother was one thing she couldn’t let pass. “You know,

  there are a lot of things kids have to endure because of their parents. But

  I’ve taught mine to value themselves and as long as things are done with a

  pure heart and out of love, things will be all right. My kids are not

  homophobic, and they understand how important Tia is to us.” Carina

  stepped closer, lowering her voice. “Nothing happened between Tia and me.

  But if I ever decided to be with a woman or Tia, which as I’ve stated before,

  I’m not ready to be with anyone, I’ll talk to my kids about it personally so

  they know how I feel and what they feel too.”

  “So, you’re saying you’d consider being with her?”

  Out of all Carina had said that’s all her sister heard.

  “You’re so into this woman and you don’t even know it.” Sandra

  shook her head and walked off. “Fine. I’m done trying to tell you anything.”

  Carina heard the front door shut and closed her eyes. She heard

  someone coming downstairs and knew Tia was approaching.

  “She’s why you put distance between us? Because she thinks I’m

  influencing you?” Tia sounded hurt.

  Carina didn’t want to end up arguing with Tia too. “What I told you

  last night is true,” she defended.

  “But not all true,” Tia retorted. Carina said nothing and that answer

  was enough. Tia shook her head. The idea that they were having this

  compromising conversation was unsettling. Tia felt something with Carina

  she shouldn’t have, and it needed to end. “You know, I’d never do anything

  to disrespect you or Bruce. Maybe coming here last night was a mistake.

  Because if anything, for the first time, I feel like I insulted his memories.

  They shouldn’t have found us like that.”

  “Tia,” Carina called out as Tia turned to leave, headed for the front

  door. “Please!” They stood close, the front door in view. Carina pinched the

  bridge of her nose, a migraine from her mild hangover making its first

  appearance. “Why do you always try to leave when no one’s trying to kick

  you out? It’s like you’re trying to spare yourself.”

  Tia waved her hands out, not knowing where to put them. A

  complication like this could ruin their friendship and Tia couldn’t imagine

  life without Carina and her kids. “I don’t ever want to do anything that

  would dishonor Bruce and the friendship we had.”

  “You could never dishonor him, Tia. Neither could I nor my kids.”

  Carina reached for her hand, but Tia pulled back.

  “I can’t.”

  Carina wanted so badly for Tia to stop fearing the connection they

  had and just be emotionally presen
t. “Tia, I’m not contemplating being with

  someone else in that kind of way. I’m barely emptying the house of Bruce’s

  things. I’m not ready for that.” Carina’s eyes teared up, trying to get Tia to

  see the truth. “I just like being near you.” Her voice softened almost to a

  whisper, vulnerable enough to share her thoughts. “You make me feel safe.

  And strong. I like knowing you can lean on me too. I missed you. Neither

  of us is doing anything wrong. And I’m not asking you to stay because you

  remind me of Bruce in some twisted way. I’m sorry, but you don’t look or

  act like him.” Carina smiled. “I like having you around. I tried the not

  having you around thing, and that didn’t work out for you nor me. We’re

  friends. That’s all I want and need from you.”

  Tia cracked her knuckles, unsure what to think or believe.

  Carina stepped forward, linking their fingers together. It amazed

  Carina how soft Tia’s hands were, how she never wanted to let go. “We

  need each other.”

  Tia nodded. “Okay.”

  *

  Carina

  Tia went home and it was now time to face the music. She called her

  kids down wanting to talk to them. She hadn’t meant for them to walk in

  with Tia and her asleep together. But she needed to be responsible and own

  up to what they saw, listen to their thoughts.

  “So…you guys didn’t expect to see Tia here, huh?” Carina was

  nervous to have this conversation. She hadn’t processed what happened last

  night. Tia and her had been talking and drinking, eventually falling asleep.

  Carina wasn’t someone who fell asleep with just anyone.

  “Well no!” Johnathan said. “We know auntie made you feel bad for

  being Tia’s friend. We have ears,” he exaggerated, pointing to his.

  “Your auntie means well. She’s just use to a certain way,” Carina

  explained.

  “Is it because Tia’s a lesbian?” Rina asked.

  Carina smiled. She had to remind herself Rina was now 12 and

  growing. The only person who looked confused by the word was Michelle.

  “Lesbian?” Michelle looked up to her sister for an explanation,

  wearing a frown.

  “It means she likes going out with other girls.” Johnathan took the

  lead on that.

  “Come. Sit.” Carina let Michelle sit on her lap, while Rina and